Many differences exist between Chinese and Western marriage traditions and whereas it is not a big deal for a Western individual to remain single, it still remains a source of great pressure for Chinese. Although marriage traditions are changing and there is a tendency for the new generation to marry later, for many Chinese, marriage is still regarded more as a social obligation than as a personal choice, and those who remain single for too long are pointed at by family and friends and excluded from mainstream patterns of so called ‘normality’.

For a man to become an eligible husband, for example, he must first secure a good job, a house and prove able to provide economic stability to his wife. For women, it is advisable to marry young in order to increase her chances of finding a good partner. This phenomenon reflects the enormous pressure put on individuals to conform to standards which are too often connected to ideas of wealth, beauty and success.

For some people it is very difficult to fulfill these conditions. Some are unable to secure economic stability, others are gay or lesbian, and still others haven’t been able to find a suitable partner. For these people, needless to say, it becomes difficult to identify with mainstream stereotypes, and they end up marrying later or not marrying at all.

What would happen if you don’t get married? I asked one of my friends. The list of consequences is endless. ‘You are automatically regarded as a freak, strange, not normal, by family, friends and colleagues’. To this he added the notion of failure: failure to live up to parents’ expectations, failure as an individual to integrate in society, failure to become a successful individual (for marriage is regarded as one of the indicators of success).

In China, it is common to see people brushing their teeth or playing snooker in the middle of the street, crowds of old people dancing in public squares, women selling old bric-a-brac in unexpected corners. China is a wonderful amalgam of visions, sounds and smells, and a great part of people’s lives takes place outdoors. Among these, one of the most peculiar outdoor activities is that of old people roaming in public parks looking for partners for their sons and daughters. Parents with a son pin up a badge with a “1” sign on their lapels and those with a daughter pin up a similar one with a ‘0’ sign. After that, they get together, chat, boast about their children’s qualities and skills, and big circles tend to form around those displaying a ‘1’ sign, for single men are the most coveted.

Young people accept these meeting practices and paraphernalia and it remains very common for parents to introduce potential marriage partners to their children. These may as well be the sons and daughters of old family friends or the fruitful result of a park encounter. When I asked one of my friends about her future husband, she said: ‘My father chose him for me. He didn’t like my ex-boyfriend. He found him too dispersed. This one is different, he is doing his PhD. I don’t like him as much as the other one, but I think I will grow to love him’. This example proves that love is not always a necessary condition for a marriage. Young people are willing to sacrifice their true feelings in order to fulfill other social duties such as filial piety, stability, reputation, etc.

This practice is often regarded as unacceptable by Western standards and Chinese understanding of marriage, relationships and sex have often been labelled as conservative. However, marriage only reflects one side in the dynamics of Chinese relationships and there seems to be much more to it.

In this sense, the rules of marriage tradition are only one small indicator of the reality of sex and relationships among Chinese people. They show evidence of a sharp distinction between public and private spheres. In order to comply with social expectation, people agree to marry someone they do not necessarily feel very strongly for. For some people, this is a way of expressing conformity with the social pattern. Others, however, will seek for other ways of personal satisfaction, a phenomenon which is reflected in China’s thriving underground sexual scene. A survey conducted by Durex a few years ago showed that Chinese people ranged top in the rate of sexual activity. The last time I stayed in a hotel in Beijing, I kept hearing the moans and cries of couples having sex in the room next door for three consecutive days and nights. Any Chinese gay will be able to tell you about sex in public toilets and parks. Chinese BBS will tell you the astonishing rate of one night stands and group sex among Chinese university students.

So, saying that Chinese people are conservative would be a simplification of the overall picture.

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